5 Blogs Before Lunch

The Gap Gets A Little "After Holiday Complaining and other Scroogelike Behavior"

Here's a little "user generated content" in the form of a negative rant email sent out to a corporate distribution list yesterday--and forwarded to 5 Blogs via the "North Blackberry Tipster."

This is the type of brand bashing that marketers and PR flax have little control over after the fact, and why the brand must be managed at the earliest of stages--manufacturing, distribution, retail environments, etc. so as not to encourage this "Scroogelike behavior."

Subject: After Holiday Complaining and other Scroogelike Behavior

Your father was right! The Gap has traded any semblance of quality for undeniably cheap, ill-fitting, and poorly materialed clothing and accessories. Being a person old enough (no comment, please) to remember
cashmere sweaters that didn't ball or pill and had enough ply that one didn't HAVE to wear a camisole under it, I offer the reason:The Gap is falling under economic lethargy and its clothing is made in sweatshops
around the world.

Everything I've purchased at Gap over the last year (and particularly this holiday season) has died upon wearing. I bought a cashmere sweater for Amy at the Powell St store and after one wearing it looks like her dog slept on it. Two pair of PJ bottoms for me and for Madi are so ill-fitting that they are actually uncomfortable in bed.

There is no value today - anywhere.

Ok, I'll get off the soapbox now.

A New Twist on The Corporate Umbrella Strategy

I've created many a corporate umbrella strategy in my day, usually dealing with an overarching plan to link various business units or products under a single...umbrella.

But here's a new twist on corporate umbrella strategies. This one includes two black City of London types, and a humorous corporate email (as is my habit, I've done a small bit of editing to protect the identities of the author):

As some of the more perceptive of you out there may have noticed as I have (I pride myself in this level of close observation of the world around me), there is quite a quantity of water falling mysteriously from the skies. And sometimes, ever a keen observer of the world such as I, does not fully prepare for this obscure eventuality and so has to go begging...

...So to offset this problem going forwards (and to spare anyone having rely upon the kindness of strangers) I have just provided the company with not one, but two corporate brollies... (I know, I know, my large S is almost boundless...) One can be found in the coat stand in the Engineering West Wing and one by the T-square in the Creative Eastern Wing. These are there to be used by unprepared folk on rainy days (or anyone needing to do an impromptu Gene Kelley impersonation); have at them. Just bring them back when you are done.

They are the large black City of London Business Gent style-e brollies with the company logo on the handles.

Thank you. That is all.

Merry Christmas From Engineering

Another corporate mass-email worthy of reprinting:

Merry Christmas from Engineering. And under the tree we have a nice big fat PIPE...for all your network connectivity needs.

Go ahead. Try it out. Put on your goggles and get ready to catch some digital bugs in your teeth while flying down the Totally Tubular Internet High-freakin-Way.

Cheerfully presented by the Engine Room Gang. That's a big one off The List.

yr fthfl srvnt.

Company-wide Emails: "This thing sucks, it's not going to work, it's going to crash"

It has been a while since I posted a company-wide email worthy of re-print. Take a look at this one. Parenthesis have been used to protect the innocent and guilty:

To follow old traditions I am sending another e-mail on my feelings about this (product launch). For those who remember most of these e-mails go along the lines of "This thing sucks, it's not going to work, it's going to crash, and we shouldn't be releasing it."   For (this launch) I'd like to say that for the first time in almost a year and a half I've been at (this company) I am actually proud of the product we are releasing. Thanks to everyone who has worked so hard to make this thing happen and I hope we have more (products) like this one.

What Happens When The IT Guy Takes A Holiday: "Surrender Dorothy"

More Corporate Email Favorites.

The names have been chancged to protect...well, somebody has got to be protected:

Just a reminder that I will be out of the office, out of town, and completely Off the Grid from Sunday 9/17 through Saturday 9/23. It is our annual backpacking trip to the High Country, and the only way to reach me isto skywrite "Surrender Dorothy" somewhere over the Sierra Mountains east of Fresno.

While I am out, direct any immediate tech support needs to Steve D...just like the "old days". I've managed to make it through the recent influx of new workstations and laptops, and any outstanding equipment orders will be distributed by Steve.

One major productivity issue has been resolved - getting two external parties conferenced on the Polycom speaker phone (turned out to be a totally undocumented keystroke entry). Shelley is preparing a simplified cheatsheet that should be permanently affixed to the table or wall.
Other than that, all I can say is "Play Nice and don't break anything!"

Tasty Email...thanks for letting us chew on the problem

Another corporate email worth passing along:

"we had a good brainstorm session last week trying to wrap our brains around more 'buzz'/non-traditional ways of getting out to the masses (or at least out to the mavens who can then influence the masses). we collectively feel we need to digest the notes i compiled from the meeting, add a little meat to the bones, categorize in our own inimitable fashion and then forward on to you both this week for consideration. as always, thanks for letting us chew on the problem. tastes great! (working on the 'more filling' part)."

Um, um good.

An Email From The Product Development Team: Crashes Are Good. Please Break Our Software

Another blog-worthy corporate email. This time from your prodict development team:

Hi folks,

Will try to be brief.

CRASHES ARE GOOD :-)

Seriously crashes are good for developers. If you crash the app in house this is something we can easily reproduce and fix fast. It is worse  if it happens in the filed...

Crashes are better than lurking issues with strange and random behavior.

We love crashes and I will buy you a drink for a good one (for the small one you may get a candy). :-)

Don't be upset or set back when you crash our software. You will get big THANK YOU from  development team. Crashes are not a sign of instability they are usually signs (especially "asserts") of excessive checking on our side. Because we care. :-)

Please break our software.

Happy testing.

Corporate Email Humor Warning: Theoretically I am not contagious now

Another mass corporate email for the humor file:

Hey, I'm back...

Theoretically I am not contagious now...  but if anyone here hasn't had Mono before (specifically, acute cytomegalovirus mononucleosis) and wants to be absolutely certain to stay that way...  No kissing,  hugging, touching, drinking or eating after me, taking blood transplants from me, and in general, stay away from my general area for the rest of the week unless you don't have a choice...  and ESPECIALLY don't give me a reason to spit in your eye.  I understand that these restrictions are going to be difficult for many of you, but it's for your own good.

"Friendly Warning:" Blog-worthy company emails

From time to time, I'll be sharing company emails I've received in the course of my business day that I consider "blog-worthy".  I'll protect identities of the authors and companies, but otherwise I will try to copy the missives verbatim. Your submissions are also welcome. Just send me the text in an email, and I'll review for inclusion.

Here's one I received from a corporate "all" distribution list from a software engineer. The subject line read: "Friendly Warning"

"This weekend I decided to stop using the "patch" and am now completely off nicotine in all it's many wonderful forms...  One of the unfortunate side effects of this, I have noticed, besides a skull-splitting headache, is the ability to become irrationally blood-vendetta-style angry when my daily routine is disturbed in the slightest way, such as, by someone disagreeing with me, or asking me a question, or simply sitting quietly and minding their own business.  I believe this is just signs of withdrawal and not my true personality shining through, so I think it will fade in a few days... So for the next couple of days, please bear with any uncalled-for grumbling, shouting, maniacal laughter, hurtful remarks concerning your mother's resemblance to various farm animals or light homicide as it is unintentional and simply a sign of my road to a healthy, nicotine-free lifestyle."